Oh darling, all we have is now.

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I love being the reason someone smiles. Coffee, tea, flowers, rain, the moon, tattoos, baking, dancing, London, cats and laughing. Enjoy the simple things and love more.

Growing up is a funny thing isn’t it? I mean it’s nothing like what I thought it would be when I was 13 wishing to be 20. Now I’m 22 about to be 23 and freaking out. Literally. 
I don’t know if it’s just me (because most of my friends have their shit together) but I feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be, or who I’m supposed to be. 
Everything that I thought was supposed to happen by now hasn’t. And I mean I understand that life is different for everyone, but for Gods sake, I just don’t get it. 
Granted most of the events that have happened in my life have been fault of my own. I just kind of feel trapped. 

I’m currently jobless, living in a small town (where I do not want to be), with my mom (again, where I do not want to be), not attending school, and single. Now, I did move here but mostly because I thought it would be a good decision, but hey you learn from your mistakes right? I had a job but I quit because it was complete and utter bullshit, and I don’t care what anyone says I won’t let myself be treated the way they were treating me. But that’s besides the point. 

I’m going to be 23 in 3 months and that’s scary to me. Especially when everyone in your life has theirs figured out, at least  a little bit. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. And 90% of the time I want to scream or cry because of it. I want to be a functioning adult but it’s like I keep getting prevented from doing so. I was going to school until I stopped to really figure out what I wanted to do. Now I have student loans I need to pay on top of trying to find time and money to go back since I know what I really want to do. 

But that’s another thing: I don’t know. It’s like so many other people just know right away what they want to do with their life. But I’m not great at anything. There’s not one thing that I excel in that I’m just meant to do. So how am I supposed to figure it out? Especially when there are many things that I would like to do? It’s all so complicated and I feel like I wasn’t properly prepared for all of it.

Then uprooting my life and moving from the city I grew up in and love to this small ass town hasn’t really helped. I came here to be closer to family and to kinda put my life in a better more positive direction, but it’s all gone the opposite way. I mean things haven’t all been bad, but the good didn’t last very long. Trying to find a way out is way harder than I thought it would be. So I’m stuck here broke, friendless, and single.
Then there’s that whole single thing. I honestly don’t care most days that I’m single. I embrace it. I’m not great at relationships, granted the two I have been in have been terribly dysfunctional. I find winners, let me tell you. But my confidence has been at an all time low, and sadly that is because I have let what others (specifically men) influence how I feel. It’s something I know I shouldn’t be doing, but it happens. 
Growing up I was picked on because I was “chubby” and throughout middle school I was always referred to as the fat friend. Which I guess I never really acknowledged how much all of that affected me. Because I am by no means skinny. I am curvy. I have an ass, thighs and hips. And for some reason that’s just not acceptable, which I think is bullshit. 
I know there is this body movement going on and thankfully more and more people are understanding that we all aren’t a size 4 but more importantly: girls are accepting themselves. It’s just bullshit that because of fucking social norms, and media, and ridiculous standards I have to feel shitty about myself. Because of all of that a guy, or a person in general, won’t take the time to get to know me for me. Cause I’m pretty awesome.
It’s just a weird feeling when most of the people you know are getting married, or starting families, or have found the person they are supposed to be with. Dating sucks and its hard, and most days its way better to be single. But there’s some nights when it’d be nice to have someone to binge watch Netflix with. Maybe my dating life will heat up soon.

It’s frustrating to feel this stuck. My anxiety is crazy and panic attacks are usual thing nowadays. I don’t like it much. Who knew being in your 20’s would be so damn stressful. 
I really hope I’m not the only one that feels like this.